Looking back on reflection 

Wow I cannot believe what has happened to me in the past year. Did that really happen? Was that me that went through all that crap? I am finally starting to feel like me again and it’s so amazing. I still suffer with fatigue and hot sweats and complete paranoia about my future but things are getting back to normal, less hospital appointments and more time for me and my family and connecting with old and new friends. 

Some days I feel so energetic I’m doing the school run, tidying the house and going on longer walks with the dog but then I can be hit with overwhelming fatigue that I have read can last years and years after treatment. 

I was doing some exercise in the house so I felt fit and well and I decided to buy a second hand bike and assumed I could ride it home. I didn’t make it home I ended up getting caught in the rain and thunder, red faced out of breath and shakey, my mam had to rescue me as I’m just not as fit as I thought I was. It didn’t help that the tyre was rather flat too. Hopefully fitness will improve. 

My menstrual cycle had not returned and therefore the menopausal hot sweats continue. I met a new student recently and withing about three minutes I told him what I had gone through. We were in Greece for a meeting and I was wearing my wig. We were queuing for food and as I became so hot it was like I was melting and sweat was pouring from my face. He seemed very trustworthy and gave me lots of sympathy but I just wanted to run away in that moment until the hot flash/flush had passed. I have a new found sympathy for anyone going through the menaupause. Why did I tell someone I just met though? I’m far too open and honest at times. 

Trying to move on is very hard. I am reading more articles about triple negative and it’s soul destroying to read things like ‘the most deadliest type of cancer’, ‘the most aggressive cancer’ and recently I was particularly sad to read the following.. 

‘Only about 30 percent of TNBC patients achieve a pathologic complete response, or a complete eradication of active cancer cells, following chemotherapy. Those who do frequently relapse shortly afterward.’ 

Wow just what you want to hear after cancer treatment. Sometimes I feel it’s only a matter of time before a recurrence occurs. It’s like your waiting for a phone call. I have read many blogs from ladies who have had recurrence. I feel I can handle repeating chemo if it happens but what I can’t handle is metastatic cancer/stage 4/5 which will lead to me being told a time frame of how long I have left. Imagine trying to put something like this to the back of your mind and get on with day to day life. 

I can be fine for a couple of weeks then I start to feel upset. I love my son and partner so much that I often feel totally gutted that I may not be around to enjoy life with them and see my son grow up. All I can do is hope for the best and prey that I’ll be around in 10-20 years. 

I’m trying to eat healthier I was eating clean but not losing weight so I switched to slimming world again but I’m worried about the amount of sweetener I have whilst on this diet. I think it’s best to return to the gym and eating clean so I can have natural sugar again but it’s so hard to diet!! 

I feel much bigger, I look bigger and it’s not a nice feeling. I felt so good going abroad as I made healthy choices I had healthy snacks and even ate a falafel wrap on the plane whilst everyone else was ticking into cheese toasties, pringles and wine. 

I told everyone I’m eating healthy on this holiday but it was hard as work meals came in three courses and fries and alcohol soon started to creep back in to the diet. I feel so low when I eat bad and I’m staring at loads of pre baby thin young bodies around the pool wondering where my body has gone. I must start going to the gym again it’s such a good feeling. 

I will soon go back to work I will work part time and I’m very scared about it. Sometimes I can become rather emotional for no particular reason. I sometimes feel like such a victim and feel sorry for myself people wouldn’t suspect this as I’m very good at smiling a lot and being very positive. I’m so worried I can’t afford to go part time I’m trying to get all my monthly bills down. I wish there was more financial support for women with breast cancer. So many women on my forum were awarded Pip bit I wasn’t. 

I had a bit of a breakdown in Greece I don’t know what happened I started to feel left out and unappreciated on one particular night and also as if I had done something wrong.  I cried all night and was very ‘woe is me’ ‘nobody likes me’ my partner didn’t know what to say as I always act like I’m super dandy and everything’s totally fine. Someone had actually asked me if I felt a little retarded now after chemo? Wtf! After being unable to get my pin right on the works card I did feel like brain cells had diminished and I was some sort of idiot. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Don’t get me wrong there was some very supportive people there but sometimes I was feeling a little less involved than usual. 

The next day I was in a much better place and I wondered what that emotional outburst had been about, why on earth did I care what others thought about me, why did I need their approval of who I was? I started to relax again and build upon relationships with the people who I could tell cared for me.  I hope I don’t feel that way again. I refuse to be a victim. Thank you to my chemo sisters for helping me that night Christine, Louise Rachel and P 😉 xxx I’m so lucky I can talk to other people in the same boat as me on bad days. Thank you also to Claire for your comfort on this bad day xx

I feel frustrated being triple negative. I am reading more studies and getting in touch with researchers that specialise in triple negative cancer. I spoke to someone from Harvard called Alex Toker who has specialised in this subject his whole career. He feels he has a potential study available for clinical trial but there’s many processes to go through. One day I hope there’s some sort of wonder pill to warn off recurrence for good. Until then I will try to be my happy self. 

Despite feeling betrayed by a friend recently I remain upbeat. I have now some new friends and have reconnected with some old school friends. I hope to build upon relationships with work colleagues soon. 

It’s a lonely world sometimes and my family only really meet at weddings but I am thankful for my son who cheers me up no matter what and Steven my partner who also makes me laugh every day. I am mainly laughing at him as he’s so funny he mixes words up a lot and has such bad luck, he’s burned to a crisp at the moment and hiding in every shade he can find.


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