Day of Diagnosis

I was unaware how serious the situation was as the ultrasound did not pick up my 9cm tumour only a small dark 12mm circle as detected and they thought it was,  at the worst,  just benign.  To hear ‘you gave cancer’  comes as quite a shock let me tell you!! My world slowed down that day.  

I focused on a fan moving in the room., I looked at my partner Steven whose eyes every red and tears,  everyone looked at me with great sadness and pity.  At first as thought they were telling me it was terminal so for those few minutes I felt my life was due to end.  I thought of my beautiful little boy and the lifetime of experiences I would miss out on.  ‘Do you want more children?’  the Dr asked,  ‘yes of course’  I replied with great confusion I thought well it’s too late now! I am going to die.  I soon realised that breast cancer in younger women was more common than I had thought and there was a possibility I could fight this and get out of the other side,  what joy I suddenly felt so lucky!! I have a fighting chance to still watch my boy grow and live life with Steven until we are old and grey (heres hoping). 

After I became aware I had a fighting chance I felt so grateful and so appreciative for every moment I was still here in this beautiful world.  I had to go home and tell. My mam,  who looked at me in absolute disbelief and then looked at me in a way I have never seen before as if I had been dealt the worst cars in life and she would rather have been dealt the card of death. 

I picked day son up and went to the beach with him and my partner,  every step in the sand with my bare feet felt more special than it ever had before.  It was summer and all u could think was ‘I have cancer and I am at the beach’  I thought.  I played with my son in the sand and put the dirty C word to the back k of my mind.

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Although I felt numb I felt so happy for that family time together.  I wasn’t sure what was ahead, I knew it would be a long and hard journey but for now all I could think was ‘I am still alive,  I’m at the beach and I’m happy to be here’. For that week I had lots of moments were I still felt so shocked to still be alive I said to myself ‘I have cancer and I’m I’m a shop’,  ‘I have cancer but I’m driving in the car’ so normal,  everything seemed relatively normal as I was supposed to be saying goodbye to my little life but instead I could fight cancer then make plans for an amazing life!! 

Happy despite my diagnosis because I have my boys 💕 ♥ 

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